...and all through the house...everyone is asleep except me. Christmas feels different this year. Don't get me wrong, the real meaning will always be what really matters, and that will always be special, but this year is the first year that I see my oldest baby changing. He's lost some of his excitement for the season. It's like the magic is slowly fading and he doesn't know how to act. I guess I remember feeling like that as I was going through my teens. I guess as we age, we all lose some of the excitement...or is it just us? Do others feel sad this time of the year, especially when family is so far away? Poor Luis wishes he could be in Mexico but it just wasn't possible this year. We have had a really hard year...full of challenges of all kinds. I think I have just grown weary. Could my oldest's lack of enthusiasm be a reflection in what he sees in me? I don't know. I just feel very detached from everyone this year. I feel like I am in a hole that I can't dig myself out of. It's a lonely feeling. I have always thought of myself as a simple person, not high maintenance, easy to please. But it seems like my usual chipper attitude has slipped away from me this year. I find myself short tempered and easily irritated. Like life has become a chore, and I am simply going through the motions. I watched Lily tonight- I remember that feeling of being so excited that I couldn't sleep. She is counting the minutes until Christmas. Where does that feeling go? Could it be that this world just is losing its grip on me? I wish it to be that spiritual, but I fear that it is not. Perhaps I have lost my way. Somehow drifted off of a path without even realizing it. Things around me look familiar, yet seem so strangely foreign, and I can't remember the way back. It's a quiet and solace place, but not in a good way. It's a sad place, and I want to snap my fingers and wake up and realize that it was all but a dream. But I am wide awake. In the car this morning, driving home from church, I remember saying something about this being a sad time for some. How many are lonely and have no family close. Some are desperately clinging to life faced with addictions and illnesses. Some are bitter and resentful and have let their thoughts be entangled with the web of regret. Maybe, in some way, I was talking of myself. Maybe not to the extreme that others experience but in some way, maybe I was describing myself without even realizing it.
In times like these, I know of only one thing to do. I have to use the weapons that my faith has taught and trained me to use. Even when I don't have the desire or drive to do it, I know it's my only recourse.
"My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word.Keep me from deceitful ways; be gracious to me and teach me your law". - Psalm 119:28-29.
"Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.My soul is downcast within me; therefore I will remember you from the land of the Jordan, the heights of Hermon —from Mount Mizar.Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me.By day the Lord directs his love, at night his song is with me— a prayer to the God of my life.I say to God my Rock, “Why have you forgotten me? Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy?”My bones suffer mortal agony as my foes taunt me, saying to me all day long, “Where is your God?”Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God." - Psalm 42:5-11.
Thank you Lord, for reminding me that you have not left me. Thank you for calling out to me in my distress. Where can I hide from you, Lord? You know my end from my beginning and hold me in the palm of your hand. This world can be a troubling place. Life has its share of struggles and disappointments, but You alone are my rock and my strong tower. In You alone I find rest for my weary soul.
