In the Light.

But everything exposed by the light becomes visible—and everything that is illuminated becomes a light.

Ephesians 5:13

I read this scripture today. It made me think about my own life. There was a time, when I was in NY that I lived a double life in the fact that I preached one thing with my lips, and lived another way entirely. Growing up in a Christian home, is a blessing. I am thankful for all the times I was "encouraged" by my parents to attend when I was a teenager, even though I had no desire to be there. In reality, I was in darkness. I was in hiding. I had a remarkable reputation for being such a "good girl", but in reality, I was far from it. It's really hard to live a double life, because the whole time, deep down inside, you know who you truly are on the inside, where no one can see but you and God.

Then I remember when God's light flooded my life. At first, it was overwhelming to look at my sin in the brightness of that perfect light. Somehow it didn't seem so bad in the darkness, where it was hidden from view...where no one knew about it but me. Now exposed, not for all the world to see, but for me, myself, to see just how far I had wandered from what was right, and pure, and good. Repentance is a powerful thing, and God has a way of gently exposing the darkness with His light, so we can then, in turn learn to live in that marvelous light. I remember the tears that freed me. I remember the rest I felt as the burden was lifted off. I remember the friends that prayed to break soul ties from my life.

I could have chosen to let it end there, knowing I was free, and saved my perfect reputation...but is that what God has intended? According to this verse, whatever he illuminates then becomes a light. Did God allow the pain and suffering of my choices so that I could one day be free, and keep it a secret? Once his light became my own, He sent me out, like a beacon, to guide others to the same freedom. I learned that in order for God to use me, I had to be transparent, because what good is a light that is shut up so tight that no one can even see it? I have had incredible opportunities to use my experiences to encourage and even divert people who were on the same path I was. Yes, at first it was humbling to admit what I had done, but the Bible promises that when we humble ourselves in the sight of the Lord, He will lift us up. I am not proud of some of the choices I made when I was younger, but I am thankful that God can take what was broken and make it new.

In that same Spirit of freedom that was extended to me, I make the choice tonight to lay down my weapons that I have held on so tightly to defend myself and those close to me from more recent issues. I realize that the Lord is my greatest defense, and He is the one who illuminates the truth, in His timing. I pray this prayer over myself, the ones who tried to defend me, and those I have been at odds with for years, and proclaim this is the year of rebuilding of the ancient ruins.

The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,

because the LORD has anointed me

to proclaim good news to the poor.

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,

to proclaim freedom for the captives

and release from darkness for the prisoners,

to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor

and the day of vengeance of our God,

to comfort all who mourn,

and provide for those who grieve in Zion—

to bestow on them a crown of beauty

instead of ashes,

the oil of joy

instead of mourning,

and a garment of praise

instead of a spirit of despair.

They will be called oaks of righteousness,

a planting of the LORD

for the display of his splendor.

They will rebuild the ancient ruins

and restore the places long devastated;

they will renew the ruined cities

that have been devastated for generations.

Strangers will shepherd your flocks;

foreigners will work your fields and vineyards.

And you will be called priests of the LORD,

you will be named ministers of our God.

You will feed on the wealth of nations,

and in their riches you will boast.

Instead of your shame

you will receive a double portion,

and instead of disgrace

you will rejoice in your inheritance.

And so you will inherit a double portion in your land,

and everlasting joy will be yours.